Love & Loss
by EmeraldJewelSparkle
Summary: Happy is the the clubs Killer. He is ruthless,emotionless and very,very good at what he does. His brothers love him and he is one of the most loyal and reliable Sons in the club. But what turned him into the man he is today? How did he end up this way? Something in his past shatterd his soul, and he will never be the same again.One Shot, maybe?


Love and Loss.

A/N: We all wonder why Happy is the cold emotionless killer that we see today but we know very little about his past. This is my take on what made him who he is today, what shaped his formative years and what broke his soul. I would like to thank my wonderful Beta laughingwarrior for reading through my numerous edits and being an extremely good person to bounce ideas off. If you haven't read her work she is an amazing writer and very realistic to the SOA world. I do not own SOA characters, only my OC's. Read and review. Enjoy.

* * *

Passenger - Let Her Go

* * *

Watching Emmie through the restaurant window front Happy sat back on his bike and sighed. Watching her eat dinner with friends, laughing, chatting, smiling. As she reached over and touched the hand of the man sitting across from her it was like a slap in the face, it had to be her husband. She looked into his eyes and gave him that same loving stare that she had once only reserved for him. Closing his eyes he let the memories of their time together flood his mind.

* * *

Years ago when he first joined the Sons he was prospecting in Tacoma. Life was hard. The shit he had to go through to earn his cut was pretty bad. He had covered up crime scenes, buried people and finally killed people for the Sons. On top of the constant grunt work his life had little time for outside distractions. The charter had chosen wisely with him and they knew it. Happy gained a fearsome, chilling reputation long before he was ever given his cut. Brothers respected him for the things he had done and the night of his patching in party was wild. He'd gained more than a patch; he'd gained the family he'd always yearned for. Brothers he could turn to for anything, brothers who had his back. Months went by and he revelled in his new life. But at night when he lay alone in his dorm his mind always drifted back to her, to Emmie. He'd pull out her letters and read them over and over again. The words on the page would flow into his mind and make him remember all of the time they spent together. It twisted him up inside, made him want to jump on his bike and ride clear across the country to be with her. Instead he often just grabbed a sweet butt to quell his desires.  
He loved his new life but he really missed waking up and finding Emmie snuggled up beside him, the way she would silently watch him working on bikes at the garage when he was only an apprentice, even the way she taught him all those stupid algebra equations that he just hadn't been able to wrap his head around in school.  
When he allowed his mind to drift back to that moment in the alley ten years ago he thought about how it had forged their friendship and how close they grew during their high school years. As 15 year olds they had been drawn to each other's dysfunctional lives but as adults he had made sure that their lives went in different directions. Drifting off to sleep his mind drifted back to that fateful afternoon ten years ago, to that random moment that had changed his life forever.

Walking home from school one day he noticed some of the older neighbourhood girls picking on Emmie. He vaguely knew her, she lived a few streets over from him and he had seen her around in school, but that was about it. Walking by he heard the taunts.  
"Ugly bitch."  
"Look at your nasty ass clothes, can't even dress yourself properly."  
"Bitch your parents don't even give a fuck, look at your clothes and that hair. "  
" Waste of space."  
"Why don't you just go kill yourself bitch."  
Happy watched curiously as Emmie tried to ignore it. He had to give it to her; the kid kept her eyes down and just continued walking. Unfortunately for Emmie the biggest girl of the group decided to stand directly in front of her, barring her way and knocked her school bag off her shoulder. Emmie was left with nowhere to go, she couldn't bend down to retrieve her bag and she was surrounded.  
Bullying was nothing Happy hadn't seen before in their rough neighbourhood and he had had every intention of just walking on by. Something made him stop though, maybe it was the look in her eyes maybe it was Emmie's reaction to what was happening to her or rather lack of reaction. Her eyes were dead and even surrounded and about to get a hiding she showed no fear. Acceptance of her fate was resolutely written across her face.  
In that moment something tore at his conscience, it wasn't right and he stepped in.  
"Let her be." He thundered.  
"Happy, hey baby. We're just teaching this little bitch a lesson." Said the girl barring Emmie's way.  
"Well it ends now"  
Emmie looked up at him and a look of confusion crossed her face.  
"Aww but Happy, why you wanna get involved. Bitch's nothing to you."  
Glaring at the girl Happy took a step towards her, without looking away he spoke to Emmie  
"Grab your bag, we're leaving."  
Not waiting to hear the other girl's response Emmie grabbed her bag and walked over to Happy. He threw his arm around her shoulder and steered her away from the group. A few steps away he stopped and turned slowly looking each of the stunned girls in the eye he at last landed on the ringleader.  
"Stay the fuck away from her or else, understand?"  
Pulling Emmie closer he headed in the direction of her place.

* * *

When Hap took Emmie home he looked around at her squalid existence and realised that Emmie's parents didn't give a fuck. The place was a mess and the kitchen was bare. He only had his mom but even though she was raising him singlehandedly while working two jobs to make ends meet, he always had food on his plate and a safe warm bed to sleep in at night. Emmie couldn't say the same.

* * *

They'd found each other through the cruelty of others but really as time passed they found themselves in one another. As the years rolled by they spent a lot of time together, hung out at school when he actually showed up and Happy's mother often found the two of them with reams of paper and drawing pencils sketching at her kitchen table. When Emmie's parents were partying, Happy would often find her knocking on his window late at night. He welcomed her into his home with open arms, even giving up his bed and sleeping on the fold out sofa in his room. The reality of her existence was that she was just looking for a safe place. Happy understood that and sheltered her from the storm that she lived in, they became inseparable. When Happy began working a part time gig after school as an apprentice mechanic at the SAMTAC garage Emmie even use to come in just to watch him work.  
Waking up one night to find her crying in his bed he walked over from the sofa, lay down on the bed besides her and wrapped his arms around her. Pulling her body against his he began to stroke her hair; he loved her but this wasn't about sex, it was about the way he wanted to protect and nurture her wounded soul. Comfort from a friend who truly understood how shitty Emmie's life really was. That moment was a turning point in their friendship and Happy came to realise that Emmie's life was wearing on her and he couldn't let that happen.  
One day while they were walking home from school he slipped a key into her hand.  
"What's this, hap?"  
"House key."  
"Yours?"  
"Yeah."  
Emmie was overwhelmed, Happy's little family did not have much but what they did have they had always shared with her and as Happy pressed the key into the palm of her hand tears moistened her eyes as she realised that Happy was giving her free reign over that home.  
Watching the tears slide down her face Happy's heart constricted there were so many conflicting thoughts running through his head. Friendship, protection, empathy, pity all intertwined but he realised the overwhelming one had grown to become love. Throwing his arm around her waist he pulled her close to him and they headed for his work.

* * *

That night Emmie showed up with fresh bruises on her arm where her junkie mother had grabbed her. She had gone home to grab some clothes and her mother had lost it. As the sharp false nails had dug their way into the soft flesh of her upper arm her mother had screamed a drug addled rant that was incomprehensible. Pleading for the nightmare to end Emmie tore her arm away and backed out of the house. Running through the back alleys in the dark night the cold air was a shock to her senses. Images of Happy were the only thing that sustained her as she ran towards the only place that gave her any security, the only place in her tumultuous life that she felt home. Bursting into his bedroom she fell sobbing into his arms.  
Happy's face turned menacing when he saw the marks. Running his hands over the darkening bruises he pulled her against him and wrapped her in his arms. It was the last night she spent any time at her parents' house. He became home.

* * *

Seeing the bruising and nail marks on Emmie's arm had done something to Happy. He already had an intense dislike of her junkie parents but those marks filled him with a white hot rage that burned into his soul and barely let him sleep for weeks. The bruises and marks faded but he was becoming consumed by hatred. Those scum didn't deserve Emmie, they didn't deserve to be anywhere near her ever again.  
He had only meant to scare them, teach them a lesson to ensure they would never come near her. But her parents had pushed him too far. Emmie's drug addled mother had gone on a rant when Happy had threatened them. She raved on about calling the police to bring Emmie home because she was underage. It was then that her father tried to worm his way into Happy's good books and hinted that they might be able to come to some type of financial agreement to let her live with him. It was then that Happy realised they were trying to play him. They didn't love her; they didn't even care where she was most of the time. They just saw her as another opportunity to hustle drug money. Listening to them trying to pimp Emmie out pushed him over the edge and he could contain his rage no longer. His brain was flooded with thoughts 'What if he walked away right now and they came looking for her?' 'What if they tried to pimp her to someone else?' 'What if they hurt her?' There was only one thing that he could do to ensure her safety now and so the cold ruthless killer in him was born.  
It was far too easy. Quickly laying out a plan in his head his nerves were eerily calm and his hands were steady. Agreeing to their offer Happy made arrangements to meet the two of them in an alley by a nearby ATM. They parked their crappy old Chevy Vega and waited for him to meet them. Walking towards the car from the direction of the ATM they suspected nothing. He saw their excitement when he got in the back seat, it was only when he pulled a knife on them and told them to drive that they realised Happy hadn't fallen for their scam. Directing them to drive to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of the industrial district Emmie's parents were terrified, but they had no idea of the chaos they had set off in Happy's brain.  
Happy took his time, chaining both of them to chairs. They soon realised his intentions. It was all trial and error but he soon learnt how to inflict pain. Sure he'd beaten people before but this took things to a whole new level. Every nail print, cigarette burn and scar that Emmie had on her beautiful body was replicated. Their screams had died long before he had finished with them but eventually their bodies couldn't talk his punishment. Walking away from their broken bodies he realised that it meant nothing to him. He just didn't care. They deserved what they got and Emmie was free.

* * *

Emmie had grown worried when she awoke that morning to an empty bed. Happy always came home but when she had stretched out all she had found were empty cold sheets besides her. Laying there wrapped in his favourite blanket she inhaled his smell and wondered where he could be. It was true that he ran the streets some nights, and there were plenty of times that he had come home with damaged hands or a split lip but to not come home at all, that was unusual.  
Worry begun to consume her until she heard his door quietly open. Trying not to wake her Happy walked silently though his room but as she turned to ask him where he had been she stopped. He was trying to change his blood soaked clothing before anyone in the household woke. Looking over he seen Emmie watching on in horror, his face froze.  
"Hap what's going on?"  
"There was some trouble last night Em. It's sorted now but it was pretty bad."  
"Are you...are you hurt? The blood Hap."  
Walking over to him she stood before him not knowing what to do.  
"Na, I just gotta get out of these clothes. It's gonna be fine baby. Everything's gonna work out fine now."

* * *

Emmie couldn't know, shouldn't have to know they were willing to sell her to him. It would be best for all if they had just disappeared, left town. Two junkies taking off wasn't a stretch.  
He had to make this go away and he only knew one man that could make that happen.  
Giving his boss a call Hap soon had help, but he wondered at what cost.  
Walking in to the old warehouse Bear was curious as to what he'd find. His young apprentice Happy had rung him earlier asking for help. Bear liked the kid, everyone at the club did and Bear had been keeping an eye on him. Kid showed real possibility he'd even talked with Tank about the possibility of bringing him into the clubs folds as a prospect. But he couldn't believe his eyes when he seen what awaited him.  
What the fuck have I walked into, he thought to himself when he seen what Happy had done.  
Riding back to the club Bear really had to think about this. On the one hand the club didn't need this blowing back on them. But on the other hand Happy was the right type of kid who suited the club and what he'd just done back in that warehouse wasn't something most people could stomach. It might come in handy one day.  
Parking his bike he made up his mind. Heading into the clubhouse the Tacoma SAA called to his president "Tank we've gotta talk!" as he walked into church and closed the doors behind them.

* * *

As the years rolled by Happy's temperament grew wilder and more violent, but with Emmie he was that same boy that saved her that drizzly afternoon in the alley. There were many nights when she crawled into his empty bed only to wake up in his warm embrace. He pushed her to study hard, get herself educated and get the fuck out of there. No matter what Happy told her though, in the dark recesses of her mind she really didn't want all of that. Emmie's soul yearned for only one thing. She wanted him. Feelings of friendship had long ago begun to blossom into something more, at first the emotions had been confusing but as graduation approached and the reality of moving away hit home she finally allowed herself to realised how much she loved him. He was her world, her everything. Why shouldn't they be together, why couldn't he be her home forever. There was no pretence now; she never slept at her parents' house anymore. She didn't even know where they were, one day they had just vanished. She'd gone around to grab the rest of her stuff about a month after her mother had attacked her and there were new tenants. No one seemed to know where they'd gone, no one seemed to care. Realising Emmie needed stability Happy's mum had kind of adopted her as a part of the family after that.

* * *

School was what had intervened and ensured she never told him her true feelings. When Happy found out shed been accepted with a scholarship to a school all the way in New York he had pushed her to accept, told her it was the best thing. It had almost brought her to tears when he told her she would be accepting the offer. But behind those dark unreadable eyes of his she had no idea at the turmoil that was raging in his head or how badly those words had stuck in his throat. his arms almost betraying him as he reached out to pull her to him, he badly wanted to wrap her in his arms and tell her how much he loved her, but at the last second he regained control of himself and pulled back. No matter how much he wanted her to stay New York was best. She needed an out and this was her chance.  
But the only way he could let her go was distance, she needed distance, if she was anywhere within riding range his resolve would falter. It killed him to send her so far away but he knew she needed it and deserved it. All the way on the other side of the country was the safest place for her to be, he couldn't just jump on his bike and ride across the country to visit. New York was best, was her future. While sadly he was always destined to be her past.

* * *

Taking her to the airport was the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life. The ride had him so conflicted, knowing this was the last time her arms would be wrapped around him on the back of his bike and feeling the warmth of her body pressed up against him... Her arms held him tighter than they ever had before and he could have sworn he felt stifled sobs the closer they got to the airport.  
Walking towards the gate both were at a loss for words but their final moments together were quickly running out.  
"You look after yourself little girl."  
"Will do Hap, you stay out of trouble and look after your mom."  
Pulling her into an embrace Happy looked down into her tear filled eyes. "Don't forget me Em."  
"Never."  
Stroking her hair their eyes connected as she heard the final call for her flight.  
The heat of her body pressing against him was driving him insane, the years of sleeping next to her and never touching her in more than a protective embrace... the temptation was too much. Happy's mouth slowly moved towards hers and his free hand slipped to the small of her back. As his mouth closed over hers they both moaned softly and became lost in the moment. Slowly his hands made their way down her body cupping her firm round ass and pulling her into him. Gasping as she felt his growing erection pressing against her belly Emmie slipped her tongue into his mouth. The thrust of her tongue pushed him towards the edge and people were starting to stare. Seeing the gates about to close Happy pulled back reluctantly. His heart was breaking.  
"Goodbye Emmie."  
Turning to the gate the tears flowed freely as she headed towards her future.

* * *

Working at the SAMTAC garage for the last few years of school had given him a legitimate skill and legitimate money but with Emmie gone and high school over he threw himself into the club life style. The day he turned 18 Bear called him into church and Tank handed him a prospect vest.  
"Don't fuck up!" were the only words he remembered after all his new brothers had finished slapping him on the back in congratulations.

* * *

Emmie studied hard for her degree. Life wasn't easy away from everything she knew and loved, but now that she was in New York she decided to make the most of it. Thoughts of Happy, that final goodbye always pulled at her heart. But she understood he wanted more for her, it wasn't fair but she loved him all the more for it. Gradually friends came into her life and the hurt was compartmentalised. She wrote him every month, told him of her hopes, her desires. Told him of the things she learned and the people she met. As time passed she the thanked him for pushing her into this. One time though after a night out drinking with friends she came home and poured her heart out. She broke down and told him how sad it made her knowing they would never be together and how much she really missed him.  
The letters were hard; at times they were tear stained. Happy could only read them when he was alone in bed at night. His Tacoma brothers knew he had a girl who lived on the other side of the country but none of them ever asked, they seen the way the letters changed his mood and with his fearsome reputation questions like that were sure to set him off.

* * *

Happy grew hard in the years it took Emmie to finish her law degree. Bear knew what he was capable of and guided him on the path to becoming one of the clubs most feared enforcers. As his unique skill set developed and grew he became invaluable to the club and he was in high demand across the country. The few times he had been to New York on club business he had only been able to see her for a few hours at a time. They usually grabbed lunch at a little diner down the road from her apartment because truthfully he didn't trust himself alone with her. Behind the happy facade she always portrayed Happy noticed the pain of missing him was always evident in her pale blue eyes. Laughing and talking to him of her life her fingers always made their way into his calloused hands, circling little patterns into his palm, intertwining with his own. Tears threatened to spill over whenever they parted. Yearning to touch more than her hands he visited less as time went by, he missed her terribly but what kind of life could he offer.

* * *

Tacoma was his home but the longer she was away the more he resented the place. Everywhere he looked there were memories of their time together and pretty soon it all got too much. Pulling out his pre paid he dialled Quinn.  
"Brother, I need in."  
Quinn was glad to have him, Happy embraced the nomad lifestyle. Living from one day to the next, no ties, no restrictions, he felt at peace. Killing and torturing people became his life and never knowing what charter was going to call him in and living on the road was the only thing that kept him sane.

* * *

Graduation eventually came around and the University campus was abuzz with excitement. Countless hours of study and sleepless nights spent on assignments had finally paid off. Emmie had topped her class and was to give a speech before the ceremony began she was so proud of herself. It had been months since she had heard anything from Happy but she sent him a text message with the graduation details hoping that there was a chance that he might be able to make it.  
Stepping out of her car dressed in her flowing back graduation gown Emmie had a smile plastered across her face. She had finally made it. Walking towards her friends they all embraced each other and began chatting excitedly in anticipation of the ceremony. All of her friends had family attending and there was a moment where she almost teared up knowing no one was coming for her. But she quickly snapped out of that thought and began getting ready to walk with her friends towards the Great Hall where the ceremony was to take place. As they neared the entrance Emmie's heart stopped as she heard the familiar sound of Happy's Harley pulling up to the nearby curb.  
Pulling away from her confused friends and classmates she ran to him and was in his arms before he even stepped off the bike. Pulling her into a deep passionate kiss his black eyes betrayed his emotions as they glistened with tears.  
"I'm so proud of you, little girl. Always knew you'd make it."  
"Come on Hap the ceremonies about to start, don't wanna miss my own speech."Walking through the crowds of teachers, graduating students and their families Emmie didn't notice the stares from those they passed. She was just so glad that Hap had made it. Reaching the entrance her favourite professor pulled her aside to congratulate her when he noticed Happy.  
"Interesting choice of friends Emmie." He said with a raised eyebrow while eyeing Happy in his Sons cut.  
Walking into the universities Great Hall with his arm wrapped around Emmie's shoulder Hap couldn't help but stare at the beautiful interior. It was like some kind of old church inside. He didn't miss the odd stares that Emmie's was receiving and it was noticeable that while everyone else was busy socialising while they found their places everyone was keeping a good distance from Hap and Emmie. Happy ignored the stares and whispers. It was something he had encountered before and he really didn't give a fuck. All he wanted to do was watch Emmie graduate.  
Listening to the valedictorian speech Happy knew that pushing her away from their life together had been the right thing to do. She was gonna be someone, she had a chance to make it out.  
Walking out of the hall with her arm entwined in Happy's after the ceremony she was elated.  
"What did you think of my speech Hap?"  
"You were brilliant Emmie. You always have been."  
"You're leaving again aren't you Hap?  
"Yeah, your gonna make a real life for yourself now."  
Watching as her friends called her over, laughing amongst themselves and cajoling her to come celebrate with them, Emmie turned back to Happy. As he stroked her cheek with the back of his hand desperation came over her. This couldn't be the end. All she wanted was for him to touch her, only this time around she wanted more.  
Lost in each other's eyes it was Emmie who finally found the courage to voice what they had both yearned for. Grabbing his belt buckle and pulling his lean muscled frame against her she laid her head on his chest and whispered.  
"It's not fair Hap. Stay, give me one night. Give us tonight."

* * *

Arriving back at her apartment the place was empty because her roommates were all out celebrating their achievement. As they crossed the threshold Emmie pulled Happy into her and kicked the front door shut. Her hands went straight under his cut to explore the skin that had been forbidden to her for far too long. His body tingled at her touch and goose bumps erupted all over his skin. Slipping her gown off and dropping it to the floor Happy couldn't help but grin at her clothes underneath, still the same girl he knew growing up. Tight jeans, docs and a tank top. Walking him towards her room Emmie turned to him and stroked his cheek. They stared at each other for the longest time, knowing what they wanted yet not finding the words they had longed to say to one another for years. Happy finally began to speak but Emmie raised her finger to his mouth leant forward and whispers "sssshhhh" quietly into his ear. Grabbing his hand she led him to her bed.  
Slipping his cut off his shoulders and carefully folding it over the chair next to her bed Emmie ran her fingers up the taut muscles under his shirt and pushed him onto her bed. Climbing onto the bed beside him she slipped out of her top to reveal her black lacy bra. Gently pulling his shirt over his head she lay against him and began kissing his body and trailing her tongue slowly down his chest.  
Laying back on his elbows Happy watched her silently as his heartbeat pounded in his ears. There was nothing he could do now, after years of pushing her away she was about to find out how much she really meant to him.  
A gasp escaped her lips as her eyes reached his chiselled, naked abdomen. Delicate fingers traced over the new ink etched there. She had been with him to get most of his ink; this piece though was really fresh. Ink she was obviously never suppose to see.  
There in big black letters under his bellybutton was her name, enveloped in intricate black scrollwork with a small smilie face dotting the i.  
Looking into his eyes she knew then what she really meant to him, really understood the depth of feelings that had caused him to push her away.  
Climbing onto his lap she straddled him and felt his bulging erection against her jeans. Grinding her body into him she could see him coming undone as he fell back against the bed and closed his eyes.  
They made love that night, it was slow and passionate. Happy cherished his time with her and took her to extraordinary highs. The dawn was approaching when he finally fell asleep wrapped around her. From the minute he had agreed to come home with her she had known they were on borrowed time, he could only give her that one night and as the sun begun its slow rise into the morning sky silent tears ran down her face as she watched him sleeping. He would always love her, but their love wasn't enough. Happy wanted her to spread her wings and fly away from everything they had grown up with, escape from all the dysfunction of their world.  
When he woke he rolled over to face her and began gently stroking her hair. The moment had come for him to leave, to walk out her door and let her go. His heart hurt and he felt sick but he couldn't stay. Deep in his heart he knew he could never give her everything she needed and deserved. In barely a whisper Emmie pleaded with him."Don't go Hap, I can't lose you."  
Taking her in his arms he held her close to his body one last time and pulled her face up so that he could see her eyes.

"I'll always be there for you Em, I love you. But you need to move on with your life. Only call if you really need me..."  
He got up and walked away then, because he knew it was the right thing to do.

* * *

It took Emmie months to regain some semblance of a normal life after that night. Her friends had found her crying on the lounge when they awoke late in the afternoon. They knew Happy had been with her and frankly they thought the worst. She kept it together for her new internship because she had to, her home life however consisted of sitting in front of the TV watching old movies; eating a lot of ice cream and crying a lot. People that knew her were concerned but she refused to talk about it.

* * *

Emmie's letter writing never stopped, only now she kept in contact with his mom. Although the letters were worrying at first, after she began to heal, the heartbreak of losing him faded into the deep recesses of her mind and she began to thrive.

* * *

He'd ride through and watch her sometimes. It always hurt, but he was right to let her go. Over the years a husband and a kid appeared, she worked in a big law firm and had a beautiful house in a good neighbourhood. It was a good life, everything he wanted for her but couldn't deliver.

* * *

Not realising that she had left the restaurant Happy looked up to see her staring straight at him. A tear ran down her cheek as she held her hand over her heart. Her husband walked up behind her and the moment was lost as she turned and he pulled her into a playful hug. Smiling at him and their gathering friends she stole one last glance at Happy as the group walked away.

It was true about him being heartless; Emmie had stolen it all those years ago. Strapping on his helmet Happy started his Harley and rode into the dark, lonely night.


End file.
